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I took my "crazy" to the meetings and not my relationship, to the best of my ability.After T and I took a trip to Europe, I constantly thought he was going to break up with me.He wasn’t in Al-Anon but claimed he was doing "the work" about our relationship with his sponsor in AA. I felt like my life and any chance of a happy future was over. I said, “I thought that a sober alcoholic would apply the same zeal with which he got sober into working on their intimate relationship.” This drew knowing laughter from the crowd.I didn’t take his inventory, yet, in my experience, I saw no evidence of this happening. I will spare you the details of the years that followed this, as they were fraught with mixed messages and on and off intense contact—true to what they say in Al-Anon, that you can never really "lose" an addict. But I do not walk on eggshells with him or fear that he will disappear on me.When I first met T, it was on the corner of 19th and Irving Place in New York. We had exchanged some emails via an online dating website and I was struck by two things: 1) He was very funny. I liked this because my history with active alcoholics was chaotic, as it is by nature.
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I felt this was a red flag that I was in for a roller coaster ride. I fell deeper in love with this man, but I always felt like I was walking on eggshells, never truly allowing myself to let my guard down.
It was as if deep down I knew that if I did, I’d be rejected or abandoned.
He said, “I just wish you’d catch up to me.” It took me a couple of days to process this statement, to figure out why it left me feeling like the relationship was all dependent upon my behavior and as though it was solely my responsibility that he feel for the closeness he craved.
I wanted to feel close to him as well, but it’s a two-way street.